If you’re perusing the holiday brochures any time soon, be sure not to book a trip to Russia, for according to the Institute for Economics and Peace’s 2015 Global Peace Index, it is the 11th most dangerous country in the world. Yes, that’s right.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is secretly an alien and does not possess any human qualities, a US official has warned.
“We’ve known for some time now that Mr. Putin is an extraterrestrial. We’re convinced it explains his erratic behavior and reluctance to integrate himself and Russia into the international community,” the unnamed official told the BBC’s Panorama program.
The worrying warning is not the first of its kind. Putin has regularly been accused of hiding the truth about himself from the world, although this is the first time a US official has directly accused the Russian strongman of being an alien.
The Panorama report also confirmed that when Putin disappeared for a week last year, he had in fact been visiting his home planet, RU-thless84.
Little information is known about the mysterious birthplace of the Russian president, but the official could confirm that the conditions — thought to be at least ten times colder than earth — would make it uninhabitable for regular humans. Although some Russians would probably manage, he said.
Asked whether this could be where Putin hides his secret billions, the official said that US authorities have been looking into it and preliminary findings suggest the planet to be the most likely location for the president’s money.
“Look, we haven’t been able to confirm he has that €40 billion here on earth, but that doesn’t mean anything. An uninhabitable planet would be the perfect hiding place.”
A number of Russian liberals and opposition figures confirmed the details of the bombshell BBC report.
“It’s time for regime change in Russia,” said one member of girl band Skank Revolution. “I don’t want to live under the new Hitler anymore. It’s preventing us from moving forward into our Western future, where we can finally become a carbon copy of the United States. Deep down this is what all Russians truly want. I call on the world to boycott my beloved country for the good of the people,” she said.
Until now, US officials had believed that Putin’s personal secrets were less other-worldly. Most believed he was secretly married to a former Olympic gymnast and the father of at least two of her secret children. It was also rumored that the Russian president was hiding various forms of cancer and seeking therapy for his Asperger’s syndrome.
“This new information really paints a different picture for us. It’s a game changer,” the official explained.
Queried over whether the White House has any plans to put boots on the ground on Putin’s planet, however, he was reticent.
“You know, I’m not going to comment on that. What I will say is that we’d have to be careful if we did. The whole thing could be a trap. It’s not like bombing Iraq or Syria or something. That stuff’s a piece of cake. But in this case, we just don’t know what we’d be dealing with,” he said.
“Frankly, we knew this guy was evil to the core already, but we’re looking at a whole new ball game now. It could be worse than we’ve ever imagined,” he added.
The bombshell revelations come as relations between Russia and the West continue to nosedive. The Kremlin has declined to comment on the shocking report.
Correction: An earlier version of this report stated that there was sufficient evidence to back up these claims. That, in fact, appears to be untrue.
Chechen leader/warlord/manchild Ramzan Kadyrov has been in the news a lot since referring to Russian opposition figures as “enemies of the people” and making various veiled threats through his allies’ and his own very odd (and frankly embarrassing) Instagram account. Continue reading
I was planning to write a short post about Iran’s detainment of US sailors who had entered Iranian territorial waters and the sickening media reaction to it, because it was so intensely angering and outrageously hypocritical, but it’s already been done brilliantly; by Glenn Greenwald here, and RT’s Robert Bridge here. The two pieces are must-reads, unless as I often say, you’re fond of keeping your lunch confined to your stomach — in which case, give them a pass. Continue reading
This is a brilliant piece by investigative reporter Robert Parry. I was trying to shorten my praise into a 140-character tweet, but decided there were too many excellent points and I want to highlight some pieces of it here. Continue reading
Well the ‘US good, Russia bad’ propaganda drive has reached full-blown hysteria mode this week. My sincerest compliments to the usual suspects, you are absolutely playing a blinder.
I’m especially impressed by how quickly you all became such staunch humanitarians and tallied up the civilian casualties from the handful of Russian strikes mere moments after the bombs were dropped. That’s dedication.